Dear Lord,
Guide me in this prayer and meditation. I've been wrestling with this one off and on for a few days now, and it's because it's difficult. But it's difficult because it's foreign territory to me. Lord, it feels like I'm picking up a Greek to English dictionary, with no previous learning. Help me I think most of all to be brave and honest.
Lord, I read all three passages assigned by my SD, instead of just picking one. The reason is because none of them really resonated. I thought at first, a couple of days ago, it was because I was just a little antsy to make sure I was leaving in time for the air port so I didn't miss my flight. But after multiple attempts and a couple of days "back in the real world," I realize now it's because I'm not feeling the passages.
Intellectually, I understand Jesus's prayer for unity, that Christ is our peace, and made us one, and that we need to "put on love" which binds everything together. But my heart doesn't. I've spent a lifetime, but most particularly I've spent the last 14 years clawing and fighting for my dignity, and my self-respect among people who genuinely wish me harm.
This confused me at first. The whole rest of my retreat went well, I gained a lot of insight, and I'm on fire to serve. But I have a major block in this area of my life, because without consciously doing it I've laid bricks over the doorway.
So, Lord, all things considered I suppose this is good news. Not that I've done this, but that I've realized this. That you've revealed this knowledge to me. I had no idea how deep, and seemingly immovable this was. At least immovable to me. But I guess this sort of leads me to a later part of this final prayer about a commitment to action.
I think most immediately I need to pray. I think that's step #1. I don't know if I can properly take any more steps, other than not reacting very poorly. Perhaps the best I can do, at least for a little while, I to withdraw, conversationally, in all but a truly egregious or dangerous offense. And even then, only reacting enough to stop the abuse or danger.
Yesterday, my first day back to work after my retreat, there was an interaction with a member of another team which, prior to my retreat, I would likely have retorted ferociously. Professionally, but in a way that left no quarter for the "other." I paused. I also remembered an article I printed out over a year ago, and posted on the refrigerator door, which I read during this tough moment yesterday. It was a little talk Pope Francis gave on turning the other cheek.
It made complete and total sense, and I ended up changing my approach to the situation. I ended up doing at least an okay job pointing out the absurdity of behavior with non-hostile words. Pointing out absurdity - good, per the Pope. "Non-hostile words" - one day I'll work up to "loving." It was tough. Initially from a pride perspective. I had to walk away from the keyboard in order to stop the barbs from flying out of my finger tips. But more than that, simply coming up with words to suit the situation in a Christlike way.
Ah ha. That's another good realization. The words didn't come easily, not merely because I'm "out of practice" with those types of words, but also because the loving feelings aren't there. That sense that others truly do belong to Christ. I understand they are, in my head, but I don't understand they are in my heart. I don't understand way down deep what the scripture passages were saying.
Prayer is the only way, at least initially. Love is a theological virtue, so I cannot study it, or practice it into existence. I can take action that is objectively good, but it will be loveless until the love is given to me. So a question:
Thinking back, during the penultimate day of the retreat my brain wasn't latching onto the idea of loving others, per se. It was latching on to the idea of serving our Lord in the service of others, but not onto the conversion of heart necessary for forgiveness of, love of and my own vulnerability with others. Not only was my brain not latching onto it, it simply wasn't registering. The distinct idea of loving others outside of service wasn't a free thread in the tapestry of the overall topic. It was still connected to other threads. The couple of days after the retreat pulled it loose, and now I see it's where my thoughts, prayers, efforts, reading, etceteraing ought to focus.
So really, the first big "win" for the retreat is that it broke loose the idea of loving others outside of serving others from it's carbonite case. Now what the hell to do with that....other than prayer....I cannot say...yet. Prayer I suppose. Probably worth an ask to the ol' SD because I'm not sure waiting for two weeks is something I ought to do if I've got the option.
Act of Reconciliation and Commitment to Action:
I'm not here yet. Not out of some conscious, willful stubbornness (entirely), but because the idea of reconciliation is something I realized I've pushed down. Something I'm terrified to do b/c it may open me up to further injury. But commitment to action....I just think I don't know what to do yet, other than pray, and get a bit more info, and bite my tongue between now and enlightenment.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen