Dear Lord,
Guide this time of prayer. You have given me signs and guidance already this morning which I thank you for. Continue your strong, and obvious presence, Lord, if it be your will.
Lord, when I awoke today I intended to work on last evening's optional exercise, where I consider specific actions I could take to break down barriers between me and others. I even teed the situation up to contemplate this. I went for a hike in the wilderness outside of the retreat yard to flood my hippocampus and amygdala with blood and oxygen as this often helps me visualize and be emotional and creative without having to be in the moment.
But much like the reflection questions yesterday about favoritism and partiality, I was just drawing a blank. Something about these topics....I'm not sure if there just isn't much fruit here, at least at the moment, or if there's some sort of blind spot or block on them, and I'm not ready to break them down. Or weather You just don't want me going there because You've got other thing's you want me to spend time on. I don't know. But there was a loud and clear silence on my hike. Ostensibly, I was out there trying to hear you, trying to do it on my own steam. When the path I was on just stopped. Either the little map I drew that copied a 30 year old map of the property was wrong, or the trails had changed. I think it was the latter, but the result was the same. I think you wanted me to stop and slow down. Stop working so much, and start letting you flow. Rather than being out there trying to explore nature and come into connection with you in my creative thoughts, I got the idea that perhaps I should just stick to the trodden trails, that I may think less about my external world, stop, at least for now, striving and pushing and covering new ground, and think with you, and listen to you, inside.
It's been months since I've had a quiet inside. Months since I had a truly calm prayer. But while that's been a little frustrating, I also think it's been fruitful. I get the impression you're making my conception of prayer more flexible. More durable. Preparing me for prayer always and everywhere. And now I seem to be circling, or spiraling back toward quiet (at least for this weekend on retreat), but not in the same way I was quiet before. We've been through a lot together. The quiet is familiar, but less superficial. More familiar, and comfortable. Like two friends catching their breath sitting at camp after a many hours long hike, not saying a word but feeling their bond.
Also, I feel a bit chastened. Not bad, and in fact thankful, but I felt like the realization was abrupt. Which I take to mean it was a bit overdue because I wasn't listening.