Ever Present & Loving Lord,
Be with me and guide me during this reflection. Holy Spirit, please reveal to me what You wish for me to know and learn.
How does God Gaze upon me? How open am I to receiving this intimacy?
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but recently I've found it easier to imagine God's long loving gaze on me. I can tell it's still not a totally free and open experience on my end, but it's getting better. My SD has been encouraging me to do this for nearly a year, but I've been intermittent with the practice because, frankly, the state of being necessary to do it seemed far away. I think perhaps it really started to escalate during my 'othering retreat in CO last month. The retreat itself had much about the Your love of for me and for others in it. At the time I couldn't quite grasp it, at least not well. With my head, but not with my heart. But now it's starting to sink in. I also think You led me to some pretty well timed books and articles, Lord.
What I see is a "living" or "live" pencil sketch of you, Jesus, with a common Middle-Eastern head scarf on, and wrapped over the top of your head and over your mouth. The color of the background is perhaps sepia, or yellow sand colored. Nothing in the background. I can't see your mouth, but I can see your eyes and the tops of your cheeks smiling. You have a very warm, gentle, loving, satisfied look. All the while the picture is moving. The lines of your face changing slightly from movement. The folds of the scarf shifting slightly. It's a living smile. A smile that's in the moment, not captured long ago perhaps aimed at a different me, or somebody else. You're gazing straight into my eyes with no self-consciousness. I feel a bit of discomfort, but I trust in that smile. I find it a bit hard to hold for very long, but I think that's more about my jumping jittery mind, and not due to the discomfort. I know Your smile is real, and I know it's for me, and I know you're very pleased. It's the most real and best smile I've ever seen.
Thank You, Jesus, for always being so happy to see me. Thank You for the infinite love and mercy You show me.
What were the significant interior movements or prevailing mood of the prayer?
My general, low-level anxiety aside, the significant movement was one of peace. Not deep deep peace because I'm just kind of anxious about life right now. But peace just the same. Peace knowing Your smile is for me, Lord.
Was my prayer more about the head or the heart, or both?
Both. Again, I think worldly thoughts are keeping me in my head, but I definitely felt "seen" or "known," by You, Lord.
What word, phrase, image, or memory meant most to me during prayer?
Nothing stuck out to me, in particular. Again, a bit of anxiousness probably kept me from getting into a deep prayer. However, overall the passage just rang true to me. It all felt affirming. Familiar, not new. If I were to have been muttering to myself at the time, I would have been softly and slowly repeating, "yes. That's true."
Is there some unfinished business that I think You're calling me to return to during another time of prayer?
I'm not sure. I feel called to return to the idea of Your love for me often. Not necessarily to this prayer, but to the frequent practice of bringing Your presence to mind.
Is there something happening in my life that is becoming part of my prayer? Do I feel moved to do something concrete in my life?
I guess so, yeah. I guess it's what I said in my previous answer. I feel called to make a point of calling You and Your loving gaze to mind. Perhaps I should write that on a sticky not now, and figure out a way to remind myself to do that throughout the day.
Am I making the necessary preparations for my prayer? Is there anything I am doing or not doing that is getting in the way of my listening to You or speaking from the heart?
I could do better. I've got the broad brushstrokes down; quiet, private, routine time and place. I've been using a candle, too. However, I should probably spend more time trying to quiet my mind. Spend more time in Your loving gaze, breathing deeply, and perhaps chanting a short prayer as a mantra. Sometimes I don't do that because I don't have a lot of time to do the prayer. Not that I'm only giving myself 15 minutes, but I haven't been waking up quite as early as I want because I've been sleeping poorly. Also, I believe the changing light levels have been affecting me pretty powerfully, which affects my mood and energy levels. I feel a bit powerless and out of control of my mind and body right now, which increases my anxiety a bit. Not to mention I'm trying to get some projects in the Yard done before it gets cold, and I've always got work, family obligations and Cor. I've got the same, if not a bit more to do than normal, and less energy and time to do it in.
Some of my preparation for prayer shouldn't necessarily be done at prayer time. Or not necessarily at morning prayer time. I think trusting that things will work out because You've got me will help. I go in phases with that "tactical trust." Right now I'm at a slightly lower point of that cycle. If this were a normal time, i.e. if I didn't have Cor and/or if I didn't have the yard projects I would just lay off the accelerator for a little while until I got used to the light. I recently started using the happy light, and I can tell it's helping a little. I just need to stick with it. I tried working out yesterday because I know when I'm in shape I feel more energetic and sharper and more optimistic and calm. However, that absolutely robbed me of energy for working in the yard. Unfortunately I cannot afford that right now. working out is going to have to wait several more weeks I think. Something which brings me a bit of relief is that I have two more days off. This is a long weekend due to Columbus Day/Indigenous Peoples Day, plus I took one extra day off. I hope to get quite a bit accomplished in that time.
Lord, I pray for your assistance on my yard project over the next few days. Please guide me to make good choices with my time in order to maximize my energy, mood and efficiency. This project is a playground set for my daughter, and a workout set for me. It's going to be good for the family, so I know it's a good project.
Ever Present and Loving Lord, I thank You for this prayer. I thank You for Your persistent call home to You. Ultimately unity with you is the deepest source of my joy. I know You will always call me. Please help me to be open to that call. Help me to hear it more loudly and more clearly as time progresses.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.