Trustworthy Father,
This passage contains a lot for me. However, the words which stick out most to me are verses 29-31. In the RNJ, "Do not seek what you should eat and drink, and do not worry. It is the gentiles of this world who strive for all these things. Your Father knows you need them. No; set your hearts on his kingdom, and these other things will be given you as well."
Obviously Jesus is not saying food and drink will magically appear in your hands as you go throughout your days. We need to earn our daily bread in earthly ways. But this passage says to me that it's soooo important not to let the quest for earthly things be the object of my efforts. It says that I should handle earthly business as necessary, but the object of it is that I may serve you, Trustworthy Father. You will provide everything I need. Your grace has aligned things in a way which have and will provide the material necessary for carrying out your will. I may in fact become passionate about my earthly business because I am using skills and talents You have given me. Or opportunities You have afforded me. But my object is to sanctify my work and glorify You, Trustworthy Father. The object or desired outcome of my efforts is to do my small part in the building of Your kingdom.
I think I feel liberated by this. I think I feel inspired to seek training for my job. In light of this passage my profession seems less dreary and "dirty," and more of an opportunity to serve the Divine Good. Something worthy of time and effort, not something which must merely be endured.
It also makes me feel a little daunted. Like perhaps I've overextended myself by misinterpreting what I thought was God's will. Not afraid, and not worried that it won't all work out, but that perhaps my current status of things needs to be given a fresh evaluation, a prayerful evaluation, and something needs to be offloaded that I may more fully participate in other aspects of my life. Not just my profession, but as a family man. Things have been extremely busy lately with Cor, and with sports practice for my child, and with work, and domestic duties when my wife is out of town. It's been a lot and I haven't been as attentive to my family for the right reasons. I've been teeing things up logistically, and making sure my child is getting where they need to go for whatever activity. But I haven't been engaging as lovingly.
Engaging lovingly. That seems to be a way one could sum up the entire meaning of the Beatitudes. I'm living logistically and not living Beatitududinally, so to speak. The actions I'm taking aren't necessarily bad actions, but they are done from the wrong place. I think some things are perhaps getting a bit too much attention, and that attention needs to be redirected. But more than that, I need to stop worrying about the earthly outcome of everything I'm doing. I need to focus on the good of everything because I can trust You, Trustworthy Father.
Perhaps that's even enough. Or largely enough. Perhaps it's enough to simply start doing from good, and the rest will follow. Keep responsibilities and deadlines in mind, but just move forward out of goodness.
--------Below are responses to prompts.
What worries or fears would I like to let go as I begin this retreat. I'd like to let go of worries about Cor, about my health, the health of my family, and of about work. Specifically my very mediocre skill level and my potential inability to keep up with some deadlines. Lord, my worry has been incapacitating me at work to some degree. At least to the boring stuff, an I've been working on a lot of tedious stuff recently. Lord, I can tell I've been overstimulated with cortisol and anxiety in the way I haven't been able to focus. I'm worry about what might happen or not happen, which shouldn't happen or should happen. I will say a quick prayer asking for assistance in this, but then I won't actually entrust things to You. I won't let go and do. I won't let go and move forward with that sense of trust which comes with knowing all things will work out through Your grace, Lord. Trustworthy Father, I know you will help me, but I do not always feel that in my heart. Help me to be open to that confidence in Your trustworthiness, Lord.
Prevailing mood of prayer: I woke up agitated and unsettled in my mind, and have carried that over into my prayer. This being said, I think my particular anxieties were good to have during this prayer. I think they provided me "grist for the mill" that I may otherwise not have noticed, and wouldn't have thought about. I indeed have been focused incorrectly. I have indeed been worried about the outcome of my actions. I have indeed not been doing things from the correct place, which is a place of trust in and love of You, Father.
Was prayer more about head or heart, or both: Both. I was certainly analytical, which helped me to see and understand where I'm doing things incorrectly. But I also realize that my heart isn't occupied in the by the right feelings and motivations. My heart is occupied by fear and self-doubt. And I've let those things crowd out, You, Lord. And crowd out my desire to love.
Do I feel moved to do something concrete in my life: Yes, as I alluded to above. I feel inspired to get more assistance in Cor so I can offload part of the job. And I feel inspired to do some training for my job so I can do it better, be more excellent at it and flex my talents. I also feel inspired to be more present to my family when I'm around them, and be intentional about being away from them. As in, explain it, and be okay with it because sometimes I just have to do things.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.