Holy Spirit,
Please continue to inhabit this moment, and to form me, slowly, toward God's will.
I had to read this passage, and read the footnotes several times to just understand it. I think because I read the little description passage in the O'Brien book first, I was mentally primed for something else. Plus this was more doctrinal or dogmatic, and less feeling, than the other scripture passages I've read and prayed so far.
However, I'm not sure that's going to take away from the experience. I'm finding recently that typing out my thoughts isn't merely the way my meditation escapes onto paper, but in fact is the meditation. It's where the meditation actually happens. Not before, and separate from the writing.
I need to end this for now, but I will come back tomorrow. I think what I need to do is I need to do the initial reading the evening before, just so I can understand it (when necessary), that way I don't spend an inordinate amount of time doing that in the morning. -- 20241110.
Consider: What are the particular high-lights or milestones of my life, including my life of faith? How patient am I with the incompleteness or gradual unfolding of my life? Note both the highs and the lows, the times of great hope and of challenge or "groaning."
--20241114. Hm. The more I consider the questions Fr. O'Brien poses the more I think they're good questions. I guess rather than tackle it directly, I'll tackle it from the angle in which my mind goes.
I see my whole life as leading to this particular moment of my existence. That's obviously true on one level. But the level which I think is the most important and significant is the level where the highs and the lows have shaped me in such a way that, while I may have survived to this moment in time, I would not have been qualitatively the same as I am right now, thus, would not be the person You have created.
I'm not sure how creation works, entirely, Lord. On one hand You gave us free will, so you don't control the outcomes entirely. You don't create the precise plan of our lives, though You know every moment of our life before we're even born, from our perspective. You plan the grace, You know how it will or will not affect us, but You constrain Your efforts, intentionally, to allow us to choose. We're under You're heavy and loving influence, but ultimately we can make our own good, or bad, choices.
This is part of Your creative plan. You work with anything and everything. While I know I have made many bad decisions, have created and engaged in many patterns of bad behavior over the years, You nonetheless love me at every moment, each moment being a moment of Your creation, and continue to be with me in hopes that I will be with You.
--20241114
--20241206 Holy Spirit, please inspire this prayer today. I ask that you stir my heart so that it brings me and my entire day in close and willing service to the Father.
Lord, my patience with the incompleteness or gradual unfolding of my life ebbs and flows. When things are "going all right" in my life, I'm patient, understanding, if not deeply feeling my own imperfection. However, when I struggle with sin, or when I'm struggling with a life situation as I have been lately, I'm less patient. Lately it's been very poignant to me that my career is suffering a bit, regressing to a degree, due to how many things are going on outside of my life. I've also been struggling greatly with temptation to sin, and in fact succumbing to sin, in a way which I haven't for well over a year. Things seem to be regressing all over my life right now, and I am much less patient. Lord, I know you are able to work with my situation. You meet me where I am, not where I should have been. But I do feel pretty despondent sometimes, and it makes me unhappy with my progress.
However, I know in situations like the one I'm in now that, in the past, I would not have come to you so readily in prayer. I would not have felt so comfortable in your presence during times of such intense struggle, and failed struggle. But I'm here, so I guess that's a good change. In fact, that's a very recent change, within the last couple of weeks. Realizing that even during times like this You're still with me, You've not abandoned me, and are still guiding me on the path toward You.
Thank You, Lord.
What were the significant interior movements?
When I started this reading a few weeks ago, there were no significant movements. However, I've read this passage and thought about it a number of times since then, and it's grown on me. I think I feel the gritty drama that I imagine Paul felt as he was writing this. For me this evokes a sense of determination, kind of like a "strap in kids, this is going to be a bumpy ride" moment. I almost feel gratitude for the challenge because it makes me remember other passages Your creation, Lord. About how You created the earth, and Your spirit swept over it's waters. Being close to Your creation and calling it "good." Then creating us from nothing yet out of love, and calling us "very good." This is Paul not balking from the reality of our groaning existence, and I find it contagious. Kind of like the Spartans huddled under their shields in the movie 300, and laughing together.
What was the prevailing mood of my prayer: peace, agitation, excitement, boredom, confusion, calm?
Upon re-reading, it was excitement, and some healthy anxiousness.
Was my prayer more about the head or the heart, or about both?
Especially when I started, it was about the head. Again, the first translation I read of this was difficult to understand. Indeed, when I read it again this morning (because my preferred translation was elsewhere in the house) I had to do a bit of my own interpretation to remember the meaning. But overtime, this has moved more in the direction of being about the heart. A "call to arms."
What word, phrase, image, or memory meant most to me during prayer?
Nothing. The whole passage paints the picture.
Is there some unfinished business that I think God is calling me to return to during another time of prayer?
Not particularly, but I think the message is one to carry with me. I think the message is determination, and "strapping in" while hoping as life progresses.
Is there something happening in my life that is becoming part of my prayer? Do I feel moved to do something concrete in my life?
As I've already mentioned this is a time of struggle. It's also a time of uncertainty for me. I think this passage reminds me that creation is, currently, imperfect due to the people executing it, and that there will be suffering, groaning, while here. Which.....helps to make me a bit more patient, and may even take some of the edge off of the suffering because I can understand that it's normal.
Am I making the necessary preparations for my prayer? Is there anything I am doing or not doing that is getting in the way of my listening to God or speaking from the heart?
I should read the readings the night before if I'm going to try to move this retreat forward.