Dear Lord,
I'm in a period, I believe, of what is termed 'desolation.' It's the first weekend after my retreat about 'othering,' and I feel very distant from you. I think more palpably, however, I feel internally tumultuous. Not sure whether the chicken or the egg came first. I think reentry into regular life left me that way.
Lord, the first few days were the worst. Very intensely negative, even rage filled to an extent. A lot of that I believe was just due to poor sleep and being tired, but I think some of it had to do with what the retreat dug up about my past and about myself. The retreat was also capped off by an interesting experience. I think it was an experience You sent, Lord. An experience that wasn't necessarily meant to make me feel good in the immediate term, but was supposed to illuminate some facet of human behavior that perhaps I didn't fully grasp the gravity. Or, perhaps the Evil One sent it. Either way, I think in the long term it can be a useful teaching tool.
Lord, please help me to discern the value from this experience. This experience was that the Uber driver from the retreat house to the air port and I got to discussing religion, love, etc. Topics one might expect if the passenger is coming off of a retreat about loving like Christ. This driver was educated in a Benedictine Catholic School as a kid in NYC. He was explaining to me one of the big differences, as he perceived it, between Midwestern culture and a particular strain of New England culture, at large. According to the drive this strain is characterized by the idea that many people, though not all, are often continually sizing everybody else up with regard to their status. Trying to be higher, better. Women sizing up men, checking their status to see whether or not they're dateable. Men sizing up men, trying to see if they can't 'best' them in a conversation or competition for position at work, etc.
At first, this didn't upset me as much as it made me sort of sad. It made me feel bad for the people stuck in such a place. But over the course of about a day, I realized it's precisely the model that had been used against/with me at times. I realize that some people, bosses, ex girlfriends have fit me into that model. I remember knowing this at the time, but having forgot it. I remember the feeling of having been very intentionally put down into my place, and shamed because I'd been bested. I didn't even know I was competing for status some of these times, but I did know that I'd lost it when it had been stripped. That re-reallization of something which I do think is real, though it's certainly not limited to New England in my experience, caused a lot of old feelings and internal tumult to come roaring back.
Lord, that's the part that makes me wonder where the realization came from. The reaction led me to a rage, for sure. More significantly it's left me wanting to pray less, and be less close to God. Something in there pushed me away. In ways, the realization was good because it helped me to see the naivete of people who succumb to that. The notion that joy, peace and a good life are going to come from that kind of life is a naive succumbing to an evil idea. So it's fuel for my compassionate fire in that respect. Millions (probably billions actually) of people hoodwinked into this terrible idea. But my reaction was wrong. My reaction took me past that to self-centeredness, and victimhood. Which in some ways is true. I was a victim of other people's badness. But they're victims of their own badness, and badness they inherited from others.
Lord, where did this reaction come from? I mean, to me what makes sense is that these are old feelings I used to have, to a lesser degree, all the time. I was basically stuck in a fear and rage loop for well over a decade. And even without this recent tumult, earth churning and a-ha moments I would have flare ups from time to time. Quitting, or seriously cutting back on alcohol was massively helpful, but the grooves are still worn deep in my psyche. They're overgrown, but intact and ready to transport vitriol and hate at a moment's notice. So, I guess that's a weakness, weather my susceptibility to a direct assault by the Evil One or his minions, or simply a well trained reflex that the Evil One can bank on, as sure as a bowling ball dropped from a window will make it's way downward.
Lord, help me process this. Even now I feel an aversion to time alone with you. I'm procrastinating from everything in my life, to include prayer with you. I want to invite you into all of my planning and decisions for a day, but I don't want to talk. And since I'm not inviting you in, I'm watching television. I pray for closeness, Lord.
Lord, I also know you're here, and you're waiting, and you see my struggle, and that I'm coming at all pleases you. I know this. I know this. I'm going to try to pray more than I have been, and I know at some point this shall pass.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen