Lord,
I think I may be going about things all wrong. I think I may have had a subconscious desire to suffer. I think I may be drudging through my day, and thinking that's okay. I think I've been conflating service and sacrifice of my own time, talent and treasure as something which should at least sting a little.
Lord, please come into this thought. Am I reading this correctly?
Lord, I'm overwhelmed. I think what I have going on isn't actually too much. I think it's doable, but I'm making it hard in my mind. It seems so daunting, and indomitable. And I think this may be tied into my (potentially) unnecessary suffering. I'm making a mountain of this b/c if I'm serving you, mustn't it be a mountain I should be climbing? I think not. It may be a mountain I need to climb, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a mountain. It could be the mundane work of walking a flat wide path near a beautiful river at the moment if that's what you will.
Perhaps that's something you want me to be learning right now. Perhaps you want me to learn to enjoy myself. And to enjoy myself in ways not simply pertaining to just work. I feel kind of miserable, and sometimes miserable to be around. I think I'm better than I have been. Quitting drinking, and simply being more open to family life have been big time boosters to joy. Good starts.
However, I can tell that my openness to things isn't fully. It's more like "trust" in the process. Not full belief, but more of a knowing that if I do this, then that will happen. If I open myself to family life, I will become more joyful, more gentle and more bearable to be around. But......there feels like a part of me that's stuck. It doesn't want to come along. It's taking a lot of mental/emotional bandwidth. It's making me anxious, and it's making me slower, and dumber. And I don't mean that harshly. I mean that it's always there, so it's always parallel processing with whatever task it is I'm supposed to be working on. I'm not giving the present moment all of myself, and it shows. I ask questions I shouldn't need to ask. It takes me a few moments longer to catch onto themes and details. It's like a low-level anxiety.
This is something I've struggled with for years, Lord. It's a sense mistrust in myself and unworthiness. I think it's been there forever, but I also got myself into other situations over the years with others who really exacerbated that, like some ex-girlfriends. And it's somewhat self-fulfilling. My tendency to parallel process and not have full access to my mind, thus to overthink, sometimes stalls me, and causes failure. This is also what my spiritual director pointed out. When I'm harsh to myself. It's also what's going on when I'm pessimistic about the possibility of something, or judgemental (at least about some things) at some people (like aaaaaalllllll executive types (not just the bad ones)) who seem to float through life. I'm jealous of them.
I also think this has to do with my particular struggle with temptation and sin. I'm constantly stressed or sad or angry and sin offers relief. At least temporary relief.
Lord, thank you for this insight. Now.....what do I do with it? Lord, please heal that. I guess I'm not totally sure what to ask for. Lord, I want to serve you freely, with no personal hangups. I want to be a beacon of your light in the world. I want to attract people to you. I want to enjoy life more, and be more free and open. I want to suffer for you, but not at my own hands due to some old wounds. Please grant me all of this, Lord. Lord, be my relief. Not sin.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.