Dear Lord,
Thank you for this time of prayer. Lord, my mind is moving very quickly right now. Please assist me in my ability to focus and stay in the moment with this prayer.
Lord, it occurred to me that I'm the weak link in this relationship. Of course that's immediately obvious, but what I mean is I see that you want to be in every part of my life. Around, in and through me, body, mind and soul.
I was speaking with my spiritual director yesterday, and you showed me an odd contradiction which I held. I ask for your help often. Sometimes very often, many times per day when I just want a little guidance or strength. But also, just knowing that you want to be invited into a moment with me, that you may pour your love into deeper places within my soul.
Lord, you know I've been struggling with getting started on curriculum development. It's a weird feeling, and rather than grinding through the feeling I decided I'd give it some berth. Recently I'd been flowing through life with your guidance, I decided to trust my hunch that there was something here for me to know, learn or acquire before I moved on. However, I wasn't figuring it out. For some reason, I wasn't asking you into that place. Into that spot in my mind and soul which was sticking out like a sore thumb.
While I wasn't thinking of this consciously, while speaking with my spiritual directory I discovered (rather, you revealed) that I was holding back. In my mind I was thinking that you'd already been so generous, and had brought me so far, I didn't want to be entitled and ask for something so specific. So important. I just needed to do this one on my own. As soon as these words passed my lips I realized how absurd that was.
Lord, that's exactly what you wanted me to do. Want me to do. You want me to not only bring You into the broad brushstrokes of my life, not only into the conceptual parts of my life. You also want me to bring You into the tiniest cracks and details of my life. You want to pervade 100% of 100% of my life, body, mind and soul. And most importantly, I think, You want me to want that.
Funny tricks my mind plays on me, Lord. My spiritual director is correct in that I'm often a glass half empty sort of guy. Not always, and not usually when I'm conscious about something. But my heart and mind skew that direction when not pulled toward the light.
Lord, of course I want that. You have enticed me with so much peace and joy. You have rewarded me with success which I know would not have been possible without Your assistance. And I know this reward isn't simply for the sake of making me feel good, or an excuse for me to be proud. Lord, the good feelings are affirmation that I'm serving you. A sign that to serve is to be peaceful and joyful. Lord, this recent chapter of my life hasn't been easy. I have not always maintained my peace. However, I see that when I am at my most peaceful is when I'm in the passenger seat. You direct gently. You move the reigns subtly in the direction You want me to go. You have called me, caused me to try to be open, used that desire to be open to open me to You, and have begun to trickle in.
Lord, it's my hard, brittle and sometimes insensible heart which causes You to move slowly. You move slowly for me. You are waiting for me. You are pining for my full love and surrender, but You know I am not yet capable of that. You work slowly and patiently, ever without haste while You nurse me to health. Your beleaguered son, returned home from decades in the desert, giving me the right amount of life giving bread and living water I needs to heal and thrive. At times the fever surges and I cannot clearly sense where I am. Jumbled thoughts, and manic feelings sometimes make me reject Your care, not knowing where I am. Not knowing You're trying to hold my head in Your lap, patiently nursing me to health.
Lord, I am indeed the weak link, but I think this is cause for celebration, not for sorrow. Without my weakness I would not need Your strength. Without my sin, I would not need Your forgiveness and mercy. Without Your strength, forgiveness and mercy, I'd have nothing worth having for I wouldn't have You. But with You everything I have is worth having, because it is for You that I have it. Even if Your will is for me to dispense with something I have, the opportunity to dispense with it is another opportunity to do Your will, and an opportunity to ask for and accept Your presence more deeply.
Lord, thank You for this revelation. It is heartening to know that not only is it okay to ask for more help, but that it is exactly what You want me to do. Further acknowledging my dependence on You. Acknowledging that the precise shape and texture of my weakness is the negative of the love and mercy You want to give me and are teaching me to accept.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen