(Letter to God (LTG))
Dear Heavenly Father,
Recently during reflection, I had a small, but profound a-ha moment regarding some of what you've gifted me with. And I thank you.
I used to think I was burdened with some of my traits, but now I realize some of what burdens me is in fact a gift. At least at this moment I realize it. I'm sure I'll forget about it sometimes, but hopefully me writing this letter will help to ingrain the idea into my mind, and gently guide me out of my forgetfulness, pride and my ungratefulness sooner than later.
Much of my life I've struggled with clear thinking. I'm intelligent enough, but that doesn't really count for much without clear thinking. I trip over my muddy thoughts on my way to realizing my goals, or when I desperately want to be productive. I've lamented this muddy thinking much in my life. But at this moment, God, I thank You for it.
Lord, I'm so proud. But only infrequently have I struggled with my pride, while the rest of the time I bumble on oblivious to it's role in all of my actions. I believe it's because of this my thoughts are muddied. Not as a punishment for my pride, but as a protection from my pride. If I had my way, I'd be the President, or an astronaut. If I had my way, I'd be fabulously wealthy. And in every case I'd be consumed with that way of life and my own accomplishments. It's obviously not high accomplishment in the eyes of man which you will for me. I thank You for that, Lord.
Instead, you have allowed me to suffer much in my life. Muddied thoughts and much much more. In fact, my muddy thoughts probably stem from this suffering. This suffering started at a very young age, and continued for several decades. Only when I finally turned back to you, and as soon as I turned back to you, did my life begin to get better. The moment I made a small humble move in your direction, you rewarded me. You cleverly sent me signs, which I didn't understand was you speaking to me at first. The signs beckoned me home in subtle ways. You'd bait me, and I'd take one step closer. Then you ran to me, your prodigal son, returned after two decades away from you.
Without my muddy my thinking, my suffering probably would have disposed me to some horrible, selfish life. I'd have felt entitled to whatever riches or pleasure I gained because I'd have earned at least that much. Instead, you prevented that. You let me walk into the desert that I may discover you were, indeed, the Living Water. Through me comes suffering and selfishness. Only through you does my suffering abate, and do I find joy.
At this moment I weep for so many reasons. I weep for my suffering. I weep for the pain. I weep for the wounds I'm still giving succor to. But more than that I weep because I'm thankful. I weep because, God, you allow me moments of clarity where I get to see how much you love us. From time to time I catch a glimpse of your Son's arm around me, helping to hold my bandages as I lean back on him, like the apostle John. O God, thank you.
Here I am Lord. With my humble realization in hand, and an openness of heart to do your will. At least for this brief moment. Please use me, however you will, Lord. Your way is the only way.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.