Dear Lord,
I'm finding it hard to make time for you today, and I'm sorry. I'm so torn. I'm in transition at work, and Cor needs some amount of time. I've added this Holy Hour to my schedule, which I've been doing for almost a week and a half now. Plus, I feel like I'm still pulling out of some huge energy dip, so I just don't have the umph in the evening to keep working like I did last week. So many things have been added to my schedule all at once, Lord. Some of them external, but to some degree all of them "self-inflicted."
Lord, much of this I feel called to by you. But am I wrong? Was my pride so strong that I..... wait a second....
Lord, was that weird energy dip from You?? Was it a gift and not a punishment for me overdoing it last week? I thought yesterday that maybe I was out of sync with you, but that didn't seem quite accurate to me. I felt like I was keeping you close and felt your presence like you were with me in everything I was doing, but then doubted that when I began to feel so bad over the weekend, and early during this work week. The energy dip disrupted my sleep patterns in a weird way. It began waking me up extremely early, which was weird because it coincided with the change to daylight saving time. I expected to start waking up later since I was losing an hour of time, and it concerned me for the future greatly because I knew how much work was coming down the pike. Waking up later is how it's gone down every other year, so why would this year be different? I knew I'd either need more time, or I'd need you to dispense with some things currently on my calendar. Or both. These things I added, or I felt like You guided me toward are all good. All things that are really great to do.
Lord, I asked for the ability to adapt. And as I keep hearing, You're not a magician. If this was you, it makes sense. Assuming I'm able to maintain this wakeup time You would take the biological approach rather than the magical approach. The approach that was a little painful now, but fruitful later. You haven't wanted me to have the energy, or the type of intellect necessary for my paying job in the evening, because that would have kept me awake too late to adapt to an earlier wakeup time. And the morning is really the only time I can have to do some of these important things. I can't do them in the evening because of family obligations, and family obligations are the most important obligations. Well…behind my "obligations" to you. But my family is an obligation to you. Maintaining my body is an obligation to you, which interrupts my sleep if I do it in the afternoon or evening. And spending time in prayer with you is an obligation to you, which is best done in the morning. Holy Hours and working out need to be done before work starts, because my work is also an obligation to you, and deserves full focus while I'm there. The only way to pick up more prayer time, and time to workout without disrupting my sleep, and time enough at work to get all my hours in along with getting all my other obligations in is to rearrange my schedule so I'm waking up earlier. Quite a bit earlier. I can be patient with my daughter and wife and read books to them and help with homework, and love while I'm not my sharpest. I cannot code while I'm not at my sharpest.
Lord, I want to believe this was you. I think I will, and I hope this isn't my ego talking. I just want to trust it, and if I'm wrong, learn about it later and with your help, adapt as necessary. Lord, this feels too good to be true, which I'm sure isn't a good way to look at the situation. I'm sure it's a sin of some sort. Not of the malicious type, but of the "I'm still learning how to see you and trust you in my life" type. a "Missing the mark," not an "aiming for the wrong target on purpose." I guess I still feel gun shy about my previous life and failures. My decades away from you were more painful and damaging than I realized. They really did rob me of so much hope and confidence. So, when you give me gifts, I still have doubts. On the one hand there have been so many blessings, and obvious moments of your presence and action in my life that I absolutely cannot deny. And do not deny. On the other hand, something about this situation is different.
This situation strikes too close to home for me not to doubt. This situation feels like I'm on the brink of another, quintessential-of-me failure. And while I do feel doubt, I also feel hope now. You've been showing me your presence for months now. The gifts that keep coming. The timing of everything. It has been too good to be true, but indeed it's been true. Why not this too? Not because I'm worthy of this gift and Your love. No. You love me in spite of me. You love me because You love me. You love me because You love me. I need a new schedule to serve You in the way You're calling me, and You are giving it to me.
I'm to praise You by reflecting Your love back to you, and out into the world. And I'm pretty sure you want me to do that by taking care of my body, spending a Holy Hour with you every day, doing well at my job, being the best family man I can, and working on this new Catholic men's program.
Yes, God.
O Jesus, I surrendered myself to You, and You're taking care of everything!
Lord, Jesus, please help me to continue to stay out of Your way, but to stay close. So so close to You. Yet again this shows me how I have absolutely no clue how to get things done, but that You will open doors and solve problems if I ask and if I try to live the way You want, and if I follow You. You are the biggest fullback ever to live, and I am an anthropomorphized football who just needs to say, "please carry me!"
Thank You, Jesus. I love You, Jesus.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.