(Letter to God (LTG))
Jesus,
You are the Living Water, please allow me to see You during this prayer.
So often You allow me to wander into the desert without You, fueled by my self-assured pride. Most of the time my pride is subtle. I don't walk around with my chest out gesticulating broadly talking about my conquests. No. It's sneakier than that.
More often, I simply lose sight of You and Your loving and willing presence. I shift subtly from being mindful of You, and being mindful that everything I do is supposed to be for You, to becoming worried and impatient and to start doing things in order to get them done. Or on occasion, doing things for recognition of some type and degree.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Yet interestingly, the sweetest moment in our time together is that moment when I collapse into Your arms. It's not the moment before that when I turn around and find You right behind me, ready to embrace me if I just ask. Sometimes it takes me minutes, or even hours before I can look You in the eyes. You are always ready to forgive and show me Your mercy, but I am not always able to accept it.
Eventually the moment comes, when Your grace breaks through. It's often in confession, or at mass, but not always. At some moment I suddenly understand that by not accepting Your love and forgiveness, I wound you deeper than I already have. At that moment I cast myself in Your arms, head upon Your breast, face in my hands, Your arms around me almost before I get to You. Suddenly I understand that the whole time I was away, You were closer to me than I was to myself. Amid my weeping I ask forgiveness. Jesus forgive me. "Behold this Heart which has so loved men!!" So ready to forgive and so loving at all times!!
I may have walked for days, or even weeks without really seeing you. Only knowing that you're somewhere around. But you've been shadowing my every step, just out of sight, where I foolishly and pridefully placed you. And when the pain of following my will finally reminds me of how thirsty I am, I turn around and You, a fountain of Living Water, are where I didn't see anything a moment ago. Yet I hesitate because it must be a trick. Too good to be true. Such a saving grace which could not possibly be for me. Yet.....it is. Praise you Jesus! How is it you continue to be here for me? I am not worthy, and in spite of that here you still are.
Jesus, besides learning that I'm prideful and foolish, what else is served by continuing to let me cast You aside? I ask that You always keep my whole existence close, that I may be always in Your presence, and may never feel the suffering of being without You. "If you are willing, take this cup away from me. Nevertheless, let your will be done, not mine."
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.