07 Jul

Lord........I feel like I've been away from you for so long. For the last couple of months I've been growing steadily busier, and more frenetic. It's summer, so during the day there is working with the kiddo since my wife and I both work from home. And there's the fact I'm still learning my new job. Plus there's the work with the Knights of Columbus I'm doing. And on top of that all there's the bipolar type 2 which makes sitting still and having a calm, non-racing mind incredibly difficult.

Lord, it's been so hard for me not to think of some project or work. This has been taking me away from you. This is a characteristic of my mind I have always struggled with, since I can remember back into my childhood. I can think of a number of reasons how this came to be. How this developed. I can also see some of the problems it has caused me.

Lord, I think this cyclic (with the increased sunlight), frenetic, racing characteristic of my mind was a big part of my previous, years long alcohol abuse. It was a big part of what I was trying to mask. It made my memory fuzzy, it made my relationships with now ex-girlfriends, now ex-friends, teachers, bosses, and even my current wife more difficult. It is a big part of why I'm currently struggling at work. It's also a big part of why I'm struggling to complete projects at home.

It's also the reason I'm struggling to pray. Not only is it the racing thoughts that are contributing to this difficulty, but the external world my racing thoughts is creating exacerbates my already racing thoughts. A vicious cycle. Prayer feels so foreign to me right now. So daunting, like unknown territory. Lord, please draw me back into prayer. Teach me to pray better, and under all circumstances.

Lord, all I feel like I can do is invite You into this. I don't feel strong enough or smart enough to figure this one out on my own. Lord, I just want to do what is right. I ask You to slow my racing thoughts, Lord. Although I acknowledge that You can use anything for good, to include my racing thoughts if You choose. I acknowledge there are some advantages to my higher energy level and racing thoughts which could be of use. Whatever You will, I surrender myself to it. Please use me as You will. Again, I ask for more organized thoughts; more useful thoughts. But more than that I ask that You use me for the greatest good, whatever that looks like.


In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.