Dear Lord,
Be with me as I pray, Lord. Holy Spirit, inhabit me. Open my heart and mind to Your presence and to Your words. Move me toward bold openness and honesty, that I may tell You and ask You all I think and what I want.
Lord, now I feel...odd. You know I did a retreat over the last weekend. And You know how really amazing that was. To connect with all those other men in such a loving, masculine way centered on loving and being loved by You. It was.....wonderful. Uplifting, healing, strengthening.
But as much as I enjoyed it, and as much as I think I must have taken from it, I'm not entirely happy about my spiritual life right now, Lord. At least I don't think I am. First and most obviously, the sleep deprivation and the warm weather, and thus sweating, I did threw off my sleep patterns and, I think, changed the blood levels of the medication I'm on. This combination initially threw me into a mild but palpable hypomania. And now that I'm several days removed, I'm in a mild, but palpable depression.
I'm a little bit upset and resentful about the retreat. One one hand I wouldn't take it back. it was phenomenal, and I suspect it will become progressively more fruitful over time. On the other hand it was more strenuous on my particular physical and mental state than I like, and I think the presumption made by the organizers was too strong, or maybe invasive. Maybe presumption is the wrong word. I think the guys in charge may just not have considered somebody like me, which is understandable if you or somebody close to you isn't like me.
It's a funny thing to be grateful and angry for something at the same time, Lord.
Lord, I'm not well right now. You know what's going on in my life right now. You know that I'm still new and not very good at my job yet. You know I've got big deadlines at work, and even bigger and more complex problems coming down the pike. You also know I've got big projects and "due outs" coming for the Cor work with the Knights of Columbus.
But now that I think about it, you also knew I would feel like this. You knew I would be intensely groggy for a little while, and you knew I'd be depressed and down for a little while. You knew I needed to somehow exist like that, while needing to make a lot of progress on work projects, a few home projects, and Cor.
Lord, all of this is....thank you.
You timed this all. You knew I needed help. You knew the men that Cor will be serving needed more than just me. You put me in that retreat, not just for my soul and the relationships with men. But also to expose me to men and draw them in through me, and to become aware of other men whom I could invite to help me.
Thank you, Lord, for that long litany of God Moments.
I need to go, but thank You for this prayer.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.