Dear Lord,
I feel like I must be in transition. Not a long one, and not to a different place. But from a temporary bad patch, back to the regular "good stuff." This last week and a half has been rather tumultuous.
Lord, please hasten my return. I don't like being away from you. I sense your closeness, but I sense that I'm not close. You're shining Your love on me, but I'm not reflecting it back at You. I'm resisting you, and I think it's because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed at my actions, and how far my thoughts tried to veer from you. Into terrible territory. I'm also ashamed about past wrongs from which I can't seem to escape. I learned yesterday that my wife is still wounded and angry about something I'm now on the opposite end of the spectrum. Or at least I am usually. Well.....maybe I'm always at risk as a weak sinner, but I've been so far from that situation for so long.
All of this has me distracted in everything. During driving. At work. Also, prayer is currently difficult to sustain. And I can tell I'm still wounded from my thoughts, feelings, and actions over the last little while.
Lord, I'm out of balance. I have too much going on, and it's causing me to lose sleep, eat poorly, feel anxiety because I'm behind on a lot of things, and it's pulling me away from my family. It's also making my energy flail, and most concerning in terms of my ability to perform the things you want me to perform, I can tell it's strongly affecting my mood and cognition. I'm lesser right now. It's not okay. Lord, please help me.
Lord, please give me the courage to accept your help. Please give me the courage to relinquish the reigns enough to allow you to grip them with me. I know I need to take action, but I also know I need to let you in. Let you in all the way hopefully. I need to have greater awareness of your will. I worry I'm careening toward a goal you don't want for me or for the men of Cor.
Lord, please help me. Lord, if you want me to keep doing the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises, please show me. Let me know in a way that I can perceive.