Dear Lord, I offer up this prayer as further supplication for guidance.
Holy Spirit, please enter me, and inhabit my mind, body and soul always, but most especially during this prayer of discernment.
Today is Sunday, and my last spiritual direction appointment was this past Friday. I was asked by my spiritual director (SD) to pray about whether or not You want me to begin the 19th Annotation of the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises (SE). And I have been; multiple times per day. I've been asking for Your guidance in general, I've been considering and thinking about it after having asked for your guidance of my thoughts.
I'm hesitant right now to trust my thoughts though. To trust what bubbles to the surface. I can tell, and my SD agrees, that I haven't been following You every time I make a decision, even though I think I am. I've been experiencing the pain and discomfort of living outside of Your will in my endeavors that I ask for Your guidance on. My SD tells me that's because I missed other signs from You. Which makes total sense to me. But Lord, here are my thoughts anyway.
While I was (finally) unpacking my library for the first time in a couple of years, I discovered an old copy of the Spiritual Exercises. At the moment I was actually returning to the Church, so it was a particularly stirring find to me. The book had been lent to me by my friend while in the Army. I immediately remembered what it was, and attempted to read and decipher it, and quickly realized that I was going to need a decoder ring, i.e. a guide of some sort. I researched the SEs, and realized that they would be a marvelous way of becoming more faithful and loving. The focus on awareness of my sins, the awareness of Your extreme love, and the power of better decision making seemed to be precisely what I needed. The opposite of all of those had caused me so much pain, that it led me back to You. Why not continue in the direction of good, I thought.
That was April 2023, at which point I reached out to a SD a few times, and never heard back. Time passed, I'd let the SEs fade from my focus due to extreme business. You were evidently blocking the path, for my sake, at that moment. Then in September of that year, I got the bug again, and this time reached out to a different SD, and this time I heard back quickly. This time You were in favor of me moving in that direction, but not necessarily in favor of me doing the SEs. Quickly my now SD realized the SEs weren't the right course, and that I needed more development, but that spiritual direction could help.
Again I'd forgotten them, but direction was very fruitful. I developed a lot in my prayer, and slowly I began to see You more, and to begin to hear You more. And I guess that's where I am now. As you know my SD brought the SEs up again for my consideration.
Lord, right now I am busy. If I were to only look at the possibility of doing the SEs in that lens, I'd say no. But my own SD's story of when she did them, and my own knowledge and experience of you making time in my life for more prayer when I needed it tells me that should only be part of the equation. I tentatively hold that thought in my mind as true considering how I've been missing the mark.
But I think that last thought, in and of itself is telling. I know I'm hearing You, and sometimes I even hear You correctly. I know you're talking to me, but I'm still inexperienced in the language which You use to speak to me. Obviously You want me to have that "skill," so to speak, and the SEs have a heavy focus on just that!
Having spoken with my SD and also with my wife, I believe I have the time for this. I wouldn't be giving an hour every morning before work to the SEs, so it would still leave me the time to workout, and be ready for the rest of my day. This ability would carry on to my daughter's approaching school year since I do pickup (as a rule), and not drop off. Even if I do drop off, I may still have the time, or I could potentially rearrange those days a bit. A question for my SD.
(For SD: On days where I have a morning obligation, can I rearrange when I do my "morning" prayer?)
Time probably is the biggest consideration right now. Right now I'm about to kickoff a program in the Knights of Columbus. Holy Spirit, guide me through this area of consideration. When I think about the Cor initiative and programming, it is the thing which brings me the most disquiet. It is the thing which brings me the most doubt, and uncertainty in my life. It's also where I fall off the path the most, and feel the pain of living outside of Your will, Lord. I may be receiving false guidance on this, or I may simply be misleading myself.
The program is about to kick off. I have another round of pulpit announcements beginning this coming weekend (or the weekend after, perhaps (weekends of August 3rd and 10th)), and the kickoff meeting will be on August 14th, and two weeks later the first "regular" meeting. In general, I think this preparation phase, and the kickoff meeting have been and will be the heaviest loads. Perhaps the first meeting to some degree since I may run that one just to be the leading example. This next couple of weeks will be heavy, no doubt. I already have two helpers, so the worst case scenario is that just the three of us will be rotating in and out. However, there are guys who already try to schedule things like hikes on the weekend, but don't have the same infrastructure and access to comms platforms that I do with Cor.
So it sounds like things are probably too hectic now, but will be a bit more in maintenance mode beginning at the end of August. Then after that we'll have more recruits, and I think I need to plan on simpler events which can easily be duplicated, and people can volunteer for, i.e. I can just be the guy who owns the program that largely runs it self. I'll be the Solicitor for Volunteers General. Even outside of desiring to do the SEs, I don't want to have this always be a heavy lift. I have other things to do which require time.
Lord, I ebb and flow with my prayer life to some degree. And it isn't entirely based on my actual ability, whether time constraints, or energy. It's sometimes just based on motivation, which has a lot to do with my perceived availability, or stress levels. Holy Spirit, please guide me here. A couple of months ago I had a strong desire for more rigor in my prayer. It was at a time when I was becoming much busier, but I didn't want to let my prayer time slip. Rote prayers became more attractive (like the rosary), but they were also fruitful. They fit the moment. However, doing the SEs, there's a weekly check in. I strongly believe that weekly check in will persist through everything but true blockers. I won't want to seems lazy or somehow slacking to my SD, so perhaps like You used St. Ignatius's ego to do great things, You can use mine as well. Creating a habit through accountability.
And while many rote prayers are wonderful, and I say some every day which are emotionally and intellectually impactful on me, I want more, Lord. I want to make spiritual progress in a broader way, and I want to tackle specific topics like improving certain aspects of myself, but learning more deeply about issues that trouble me. And I want to do this in ways which are guided strongly by You.
Lord, I mentioned this earlier, but my ability to hear you isn't particularly sensitive yet, nor is it always accurate. I feel like that's such a fundamental part of living a life in You, Lord. If I am not listening to you and guided by you, through something more specific than the Ten Commandments, the Catechism or Scripture....something tailored for my very specific and narrow life, then I don't believe I can really live the life you Desire for me. I even suspect, having picked up Kevin O'Brien, SJ's book, and flipped to the section on False Consolation, that I'm sometimes listening to the wrong voices. Perhaps my wounded internal voice, perhaps something darker. I don't see a good way to progress in my ability to discern other than intentionally practicing my listening and discerning. And I don't know of a better way to do that than the SE's.
I need to get ready for mass now. Lord, thank You for always being there, even when I'm not turned toward you. Please teach me over time to always look at You, and listen to You.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.