Dear Lord,
I'm still so new to this "level" of spirituality. Only recently have I even been trying to truly surrender myself to You on a regular basis, as opposed to in those times You've allowed me to wander into dangerous territory where it's so obvious I can't do things myself that I come back to You, begging.
This is different. It's different to surrender to You that You may "help" me to turn on the lights in a room, or whip up a quick snippet of code I could just as easily write myself while rolling over in bed in the middle of the night.
But I asked You during prayer time, and even many times throughout the day to help me understand why things got so bad over the last week, and the things which kept coming to mind, and the things which kept showing up as I read, listened and watched spiritual content was the idea of letting You into all things and trusting in you. I don't know if it's because I got scared and then began to double down and rely on my own efforts, therefore pushed You out of the equation, or if it's because I didn't see that You were already there, and therefore got scared and started doubling down and relying on my own efforts. Chicken or the egg, and I'm not sure it matters. I know I need to trust in You. I knew this before. I knew this, but I still don't think I know hooowww to do this.
O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything.
Months ago in a meeting with my spiritual director, I asked her how, exactly, could I surrender to You. She told me that to simply acknowledge that I'm coming to you, and to acknowledge and say that I'm surrendering to you is, in fact, coming back to you and surrendering to you. Which, of course, confused me at first because when I think of surrendering, I think of somebody then taking physical control of what I'm doing, and barking orders about me putting my hands on my head, and pointing a loaded assault rifle at me. Obviously not Your M.O., but it was, and to a lesser degree than it was, still is a subconscious image I hold and hinders me somewhat from truly understanding Your mercy and grace.
This process of letting You take care of everything is both odd and gradual. Obviously, You're not literally going to put Your hands inside of my hands, like wearing gloves, and start typing, and flipping switches. I think? So how do I do all things in You, and what does it mean to surrender to You?
At this moment, I think that means spending more time with You, as much as I can, in prayer of some sort. I don't always have to be sitting in my prayer chair or at my desk writing in my prayer journal to do that, although that's where it's easiest and most natural for now. But I need to increase that as well. When I consume content about prayer and it's role, I often come across the idea that prayer is somewhat like plugging into Holy Energy, or like connecting to the Holy Hive Mind. The more time I spend in prayer, seemingly doing nothing and wasting time with You, as Bishop Barron calls it, the more it affects me and disposes me to You.
I suspect that how, precisely, this manifests is simultaneously unpredictable (to me anyway), yet guaranteed. I trust in that. Thus, I've been inspired, by You through others no doubt, to spend more time in the the type of prayer I do know. I'm going to try to make a Holy Hour every day in my prayer chair and/or at my desk writing in my prayer journal. At least for these five days, including today.
Thank you, Jesus.
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.